Sex, Drugs and Bottle Service

The argument for Autograt (automatic added 20 percent gratuity)

Sat, 15 Oct 2011 16:23:27 -0400

Automatic gratuity has been a hot button topic in the service industry and on foodie (aka douchebag) blogs recently (Exhibit A http://ny.eater.com/tags/tipped-off)…recently I worked very briefly in a place that was so vehemently against auto gratting, they refused to even add the standard twenty percent to bottle service. So the waitress could sell 6 bottles to some jerk who could choose to tip her 20 dollars…and she would continue to be taxed on her sales…clearly these people could care less about their staff.

HOWEVER, the automatic gratuity also looks out for YOU the customer who is a shit tipper. As a bartender you have a limited amount of time to make as many drinks as possible, any customer who doesn’t tip you properly is in fact a waste of your time, especially these days when a percentage of sales is declared as tips and taxed, so if you tip poorly or not at all on your first round the bartender has in fact lost money serving you, thus you are likely to not get served again. Autograt doesn’t give you or your bartender that option. You can tip twenty percent against your will and poor taste and receive fast and polite service for the rest of the night. Autorgrat also prevents stereotyping certain cultures as bad tippers (cough cough the French) so they get ignored from the get go. With autograt all customers are created equal.

melissa: Hello, it’s JADED STRIPPER GERBIL (via squeela)

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 21:37:42 -0400

melissa:

Hello, it’s JADED STRIPPER GERBIL (via squeela)

directorscuts: Sometimes I miss having a roommate. I want a...

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 09:16:20 -0400

[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]

directorscuts:

Sometimes I miss having a roommate.

I want a little piggie friend

hipsterpuppies: for a “social anthropology experiment,” marcus...

Fri, 12 Aug 2011 11:02:25 -0400

hipsterpuppies:

for a “social anthropology experiment,” marcus will be attending the gathering of the puggalos

[via samantha r]

brooksbuford: Prehhhh shhuusssssss Seriously, I got nothing.

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 23:48:08 -0400

brooksbuford:

Prehhhh shhuusssssss

Seriously, I got nothing.

directorscuts: A little over a year ago I had a pig sniffing my...

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 23:38:52 -0400

directorscuts:

A little over a year ago I had a pig sniffing my butt. I do miss the little guy. (Who’s not so little anymore, hence his moving to a farm in upstate NY where he’s very happy.)

This isn’t going to stop. NYC shuts down in August anyway, everyone’s in the Hamptons so I have nothing to report…cept for my little crush.

On gifts

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 19:41:08 -0400

Only accept them if you don’t need them. DO NOT EVER LET ANYONE PAY YOUR RENT, cause than they own you. Gifts are luxuries not accessories, that way if they try to leverage them you can say “Fuck you, I don’t need these shoes/plane tickets/dresses. You can have them back then.”

I have been given vacations, shoes, spa treatments, phones, shopping sprees and I’ve never felt that I owed anyone anything in return. A gift is just that, something given freely, without anything required or expected in return. A gift is something fun and frivolous you wouldn’t usually buy for yourself. A gift is not your rent. That is a paycheck for services rendered.

directorscuts: Hog Heaven: here’s Pennington and his BFF Duke...

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 01:22:05 -0400

directorscuts:

Hog Heaven: here’s Pennington and his BFF Duke on the farm in upstate NY. He was always so friendly and social and I’m glad he has another piggie to pal around with. Apparently they are inseparable. I think it’s good he lived in Hollywood for a while so if he ever meets anyone famous he can be all aloof and nonchalant about it.

My weird crush on Eli Roth.

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 01:13:53 -0400

It’s not that weird. He’s brilliant…and hot and funny, and a weirdo…which I find intriguing and sexy, and just enough older than me to work out my Daddy issues, but not so much that it would be gross.

I’ve started following him on this thing…feeling mildly stalkerish. Don’t care.

I need this in my life. Now.

Wed, 29 Jun 2011 21:38:26 -0400

I need this in my life. Now.

On Sexual Harassment

Wed, 29 Jun 2011 20:38:40 -0400

The best time to work at a place is when the owner/management has been publicly accused of harassing their staff. They will be on their best behavior (on the advice of their lawyers) and leave you alone.

If the owner has a reputation in the industry for harassing his staff, but has never been formally or publicly accused, then he thinks he’s gotten away with it and will continue to do so.

If you sue…you may win, but you run the risk of being blackballed from getting another job anywhere ever again. The rules and legalities of the normal world don’t apply here…much like the porn industry, it is one of the few where women far outearn men…but, several of the advances of feminism can be sacrificed.

Tangentially related thoughts on male bartenders OF A CERTAIN AGE, a friend of mine who is a former stripper once said that as an exotic dancer, she felt great about herself when she was dancing, with her clothes off and all these wankers worshiping her by sacrificing their hard earned money…however in her daily life she felt like a loser. The same principal can apply to these aging male bartenders; behind the bar they are king, with pretty young girls lining up to admire and pay homage to them. However, when they go home, they look in the mirror and see a guy pushing forty with no career besides slinging beer and shots.

I’m not talking about anyone in particular. Really, I swear.

Craigslist open calls and Torture Porn

Wed, 04 May 2011 16:47:19 -0400

Perhaps I just think that this is a good idea cause I just lost my job and watched The Human Centipede…but currently I think it’s genius.

A serial killer posts an open call for cocktail waitresses on Craigslist. All these fresh faced young aspiring actress/model/waitresses who are new to the city show up and wait in line with their headshots and resumes and shiny hair. The serial killer picks his prey, an irritatingly self assured small town beauty queen from somewhere like Ohio or Florida who is sure that in no time she will own this city. He calls her in for a second interview at a construction site. Tells her he wants her to see the space even though it is still under construction. She meets him there, sure that at this job she will be making easy money and rub elbows with a VIP who will surely see her star quality and give her her big break. Instead, commence Torture Porn…the details of which I will leave up to the experts like Eli Roth.

I don’t know why Hollywood or a real serial killer hasn’t thought of this already.

Pride cometh before a fall...

Mon, 02 May 2011 12:15:17 -0400

Are pride and vanity interchangeable?

Either way, made the rookie mistake of getting my upper lip waxed (ethnic girl problems) before hitting the gym yesterday. Don’t do that. Ever. I was supposed to have multiple interviews today and I can’t go because it looks like I have a moustache rash and no one wants to buy overpriced vodka/sodas from a moustache rash.

In the ongoing war, blondes have won this battle….however we age WAY better.

Shum Shum Bukor.

On the threshold of my ten year anniversary with New York...

Sat, 30 Apr 2011 01:31:59 -0400

It’s been a shitty week. For various undisclosed legal reasons my place of employment suddenly ceased to exist…and other stuff…bla bla bla. I moved here before I was legally old enough to buy cigarettes or porn. In this city I have been deliriously happy, and rock bottom miserable, balling and broke, drunk and high as a kite and stone cold sober, I’ve cheated, been cheated on, broken hearts and had my heart broken. I’ve been repulsed by or even apathetic towards men who at one point I loved so much that I thought would marry them. This too shall pass. The good and the bad. If your happy you won’t stay happy, but if your miserable that will end too. That’s all it is. Getting accustomed to constant inconstance. If you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere…but you won’t know how to drive, or cook, and you’ll have a meltdown if bars close at 2.

Career pancake flattener

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 21:35:20 -0500

I’m playing phone tag with my lit agent. I feel like I can’t move forward without some editorial guidance at this point. When I’m not writing it feels like I’ve been reduced to “just a bartender,” and now that I’m closer to thirty than I am to twenty that doesn’t feel like enough for me. I’m scared that’s all I’ll ever be. This is how Women’s lib has screwed us. Now we have to have Careers with a capital C, as well as be pretty, thin, not slutty and get married and have babies. We’re taught that how we pay our rent is who we are. Doctor, Lawyer, Chef, Actress, Bottle Waitress, Bartender, Stylist, Barista, Fireman or what have you. Being able to say I’m a writer as well as a bartender has given me a sense of self worth. “Hey I’m not just a vodka soda monkey with big tits, I’m creative and intelligent and successful in a legitimate field.” I know its all bullshit and I’m buying into some Capitalist American Dream load of crap, but I would really just like to get that man on the phone.

brooksbuford: Yeah son

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 23:12:54 -0500

brooksbuford:

Yeah son

fuckyeahgiantpanda: Fu Hu at the Vienna Zoo on February 5,...

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 23:10:51 -0500

fuckyeahgiantpanda:

Fu Hu at the Vienna Zoo on February 5, 2011.

© Andrea Haberfehlner.

brooksbuford: Always remember

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 23:10:34 -0500

brooksbuford:

Always remember

"The Professional Partier" Or "I'm friends with..."

Thu, 03 Feb 2011 13:59:00 -0500

People seem to get off on exclusivity, or at least the illusion of it. In my previous life I was at dinner with a client at one of those restaurants above a club, and we were going to the club downstairs (so I could make him buy a bottle and get commission). He refused to go unless he could go through the back VIP entrance. He kept insisting adamantly that he was VIP, and thus he would only use that entrance. The back VIP entrance had been closed for quite some time. This wasn’t about where he was to be seated for the entire night. This was entirely about his three seconds of walking in. I shouldn’t have been shocked having had to deal with his colossal ego for sometime, but I was. I can only imagine the shriveled, tiny penis that it overcompensates for. Everyone always wants to be where they think they aren’t allowed. Every night in my current job self proclaimed socialites are trying to get into the back rooms. They seem to think there is a secret party room filled with models and celebrities drinking free Krug and blowing lines down there. In reality what is down there are offices, liquor storage, and boxes of napkins and candle votives, none of which are hiding Kate Moss. These same people are the ones who come up expecting a free drink because they are friends with one of the owners.

“That’s fifteen dollars, sir.”

“Oh, but I’m friends with Redacted.”

“Really! So am I! Why don’t we text him? What’s your name again? Better yet, why don’t we go to his house and steal his flat screen? Cause it sounds like you are such good friends with him that you are allowed to steal from his business, so why not his home too?”

PS-Just because you did coke in the bathroom with an owner of a club at some point doesn’t mean you are friends with said owner. Do you know how many people have done coke in bathrooms with these guys over the years? They don’t know your name.

In the end the self proclaimed socialite and the bottle client who threw a fit about which door he was gonna walk through are exactly the same. They were both geeks in high school who are spending their adult lives desperately fighting for a seat at the cool table in their respective cafeterias. Nevermind that graduation was a long time ago.

Hey! I hope you're doing well! I wish you would write some more, I love your blog!!

Thu, 03 Feb 2011 13:21:31 -0500

Thanks! I’m working on a project now, more longform. Will post more here soon. In other news I’m working with a cocktail waitress who was born in 1991. Terrifying.